Car Insurance Claim Jokes

The following statements all appeared on genuine claim forms submitted to insurance companies by members of the public after accidents whilst driving or around the home...

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road."

"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin."

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Incidents with Pedestrians
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Car Accidents...
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

Collision and Calamity
Some drivers can have accidents even when there are no pedestrians or other vehicles in sight...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the rode because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Who is to Blame?
Drivers are often asked to explain on the insurance claim form who they think was to blame for the accident...

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

"I was waiting to go. The front van Toyota reversed me. I horned her but the driver did not response it."

"We note that you client made an excreta payment of £350..."

"....as soon as I receive an estimate for the repairs to my cat I will forward it to you"

"Third party reported careless driving..."

"We would advise you that Mr Friar is a reliable and conscious driver.."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

"I would like to hire a vehicle to enable me to visit my children in Hampshire and my mother in Lancashire who has just broken her ankle under the recommended policyholders discount scheme."

"If the client's symptom's have not resolved within twelve months, an MRI scan (Magnetic Resource Imaging) should be undertaken to exclude any underlying occult damage."

"...the horse got up,staggered around and ran off to the market.. (Appropriate sketches , a five page explanation of the accident and a detailed map accompanied this one.)

"In October I went for a drink with a man named Thomas Brooks of Newry, Co Down. On the way home we hit a pig and because of the embarrassment of hitting a pig,the driver asked me not to say anything to anyone. The car was badly damaged, the windscreen was broken and the bonnet smashed in,the headlights were broken and my door had bent in...I did go to my GP. Since then I have had to go to a chiropractor and am now suffering from nightmares of pigs flying and sausages driving my car.."

"We must inform you that there are 31 court judgements registered against the third party totalling nearly £34000 I would suggest that what he owes your client is the least of his worries..."

"A representative from our insurance company called upon Mr Benson in February to discuss the underwriting of his motor insurance policy. We should point out that when our representative was discussing the proposals and enquired about previous claims, Mr Benson withdrew a hand gun from the side of the sofa,loaded it and fired three shots into the ceiling. Needless to say, our representative left rather rapidly...."

"Third party sneezed and false teeth fell out. While looking for them crashed into back of S Roper."

"..you clearly had notice of this manoeuvre as you would have seen the stationary traffic coming towards you."

"At this present moment in time our file of papers is out of the office making enquiries."

"Regardless of the exact sequence of events between the drivers of the vehicles involved, the hiatus itself,if further evidence be required,must be a reasonably reliable indication of the existence of that state of affairs which the letter sets out to illustrate."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

Joke Ad for Female Driver Car Insurance - click here

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